1 00:00:04,207 --> 00:00:06,198 (KRYTEN) Last week on Red Dwarf 2 00:00:06,367 --> 00:00:09,439 (SQUEALS) something terrible happened to Mr Lister's armI 3 00:00:09,607 --> 00:00:11,279 Watch thisI 4 00:00:12,287 --> 00:00:16,280 Hey, guys, check this out! There's a woman in there! 5 00:00:29,567 --> 00:00:31,523 I've been tongue-hockeyed to death! 6 00:00:31,727 --> 00:00:35,481 You know how you told us to find a solution, however drastic? 7 00:00:35,687 --> 00:00:37,678 What have you got, Kryts? 8 00:00:42,447 --> 00:00:47,726 My left arm, I said! What kind of navigation officer can't tell left from right? 9 00:00:47,927 --> 00:00:51,761 - We did our best. I am so sorry. - Mr Lister, you're awake! 10 00:00:51,927 --> 00:00:53,918 Buddy, you look great! 11 00:00:56,767 --> 00:00:59,520 ("RED DWARF" THEME) 12 00:01:30,887 --> 00:01:33,606 (TUNELESS STRUMMING) 13 00:02:12,327 --> 00:02:17,162 Oh, bravo, sir! There's no need for despondency. You can still play the guitar! 14 00:02:17,367 --> 00:02:22,236 Yeah, look on the bright side. At least now I'm only half crap. 15 00:02:22,447 --> 00:02:25,086 - We should still count our blessings. - Kryten's right. 16 00:02:25,247 --> 00:02:29,320 You may have lost a limb, but countless people have lost an arm 17 00:02:29,487 --> 00:02:32,285 and gone on to lead a perfectly "normal" life. 18 00:02:32,487 --> 00:02:35,081 - Like who? - Oh, there are thousands, sir. 19 00:02:35,247 --> 00:02:37,556 - Thousands upon thousands. - Like? 20 00:02:37,767 --> 00:02:39,598 - More than thousands. - Who? 21 00:02:39,767 --> 00:02:41,485 - Millions! - Who? 22 00:02:41,647 --> 00:02:44,684 - Well, I can't name them all individually. - Name one. 23 00:02:44,887 --> 00:02:47,242 One? Hmm... As many as that? 24 00:02:47,407 --> 00:02:50,399 - Lord Nelson. He beat the French. - Thank you, ma'am. 25 00:02:50,567 --> 00:02:52,558 - He beat the French. - Who else? 26 00:02:52,767 --> 00:02:56,396 - Well, er... - The Venus de Milo. 27 00:02:56,607 --> 00:03:00,395 The Venus de Milo. No arms at all, but that didn't prevent her 28 00:03:00,567 --> 00:03:02,956 from pursuing a successful modelling career. 29 00:03:03,167 --> 00:03:05,601 - Go on. - Go on? 30 00:03:05,807 --> 00:03:09,959 You said there were millions. That's two, and one's a statue. Name five. 31 00:03:10,167 --> 00:03:13,443 Five? Right. Well, there's, um... 32 00:03:13,607 --> 00:03:16,724 There's Lord Nelson, and, er... Ms de Milo, 33 00:03:16,887 --> 00:03:18,878 and then there's the... well... 34 00:03:19,047 --> 00:03:21,766 - Help us! Er, the... - The painter dude! 35 00:03:21,967 --> 00:03:25,198 - What painter dude? - The Welsh guy. You know? 36 00:03:25,367 --> 00:03:27,676 The one with one arm. Van Gogogogh. 37 00:03:27,887 --> 00:03:30,924 He had one ear. He cut the other one off. 38 00:03:31,087 --> 00:03:32,566 - He did? - Yes. 39 00:03:32,767 --> 00:03:38,364 See? He manages to cut off his own ear with one arm, and you're worried. 40 00:03:38,567 --> 00:03:42,606 There must be more... That guy from "The Fugitive". What was his name? 41 00:03:42,807 --> 00:03:44,843 - The One-Armed Man. - That's him! That's three. 42 00:03:45,047 --> 00:03:48,437 He was a murderer. He killed Richard Kimble's wife. 43 00:03:48,647 --> 00:03:52,879 But that proves my point. If that guy can murder an able-bodied woman 44 00:03:53,047 --> 00:03:56,676 minus a major extremity, then you've got nothing to worry about. 45 00:03:58,127 --> 00:04:01,597 Let's face it, guys. There aren't any noteworthy one-armed people. 46 00:04:01,767 --> 00:04:04,884 - You can't even name five. - Of course we can! 47 00:04:05,047 --> 00:04:07,845 Horatio Nelson, the one-armed guy from "The Fugitive", 48 00:04:08,007 --> 00:04:11,636 the Venus de Milo, Van Gogh and... one more... 49 00:04:13,447 --> 00:04:15,597 That Mexican dude! 50 00:04:15,767 --> 00:04:18,759 - The one who robbed people! - What one? 51 00:04:19,887 --> 00:04:22,276 The one-armed bandit! 52 00:04:22,487 --> 00:04:28,039 That's a machine, you gimp! One of the most popular pub games of the 20th century. 53 00:04:28,247 --> 00:04:32,763 And it only had one arm? What a heart-warming story. 54 00:04:32,967 --> 00:04:36,801 - Dave Lister. There. That's five. - I'm going to the loo. 55 00:04:36,967 --> 00:04:42,325 I don't need to, but as it takes 45 minutes to undo my flies, I should make a start. 56 00:04:42,487 --> 00:04:44,478 Do you need a hand? 57 00:04:44,647 --> 00:04:47,366 I'm sorry. I didn't mean... Sorry. Sorry. Sorry! Sorry! 58 00:04:47,527 --> 00:04:49,006 Sorry... 59 00:05:00,367 --> 00:05:02,358 - Biscuit, sir? - Please. 60 00:05:09,527 --> 00:05:11,563 - Another bik-bik? - Yes, please. 61 00:05:18,047 --> 00:05:22,199 - Kryten? What are you doing? - I'm just dunking bikkies, ma'am. 62 00:05:22,367 --> 00:05:27,282 It's another of life's joys of which Mr Lister has been robbed. Right, sir? 63 00:05:27,447 --> 00:05:30,200 Could you tweak my nose? I've got an itch. 64 00:05:30,367 --> 00:05:33,040 Itch it yourself. You've still got one arm. 65 00:05:33,207 --> 00:05:35,516 - There. Is that better, sir? - Yeah, a bit. 66 00:05:35,727 --> 00:05:38,400 Kryten, I told you - he wants to be independent. 67 00:05:38,567 --> 00:05:41,479 He doesn't need you treating him like an invalid. 68 00:05:41,687 --> 00:05:45,760 - But he does, he does! Don't you, sir? - (SIGHS) 69 00:05:45,927 --> 00:05:48,760 - Another slurp, sir? - This is making me sick. 70 00:05:50,287 --> 00:05:53,484 Take no notice of her, sir. It's nearly suppertime. 71 00:05:53,647 --> 00:05:56,002 Chuckie-eggs tonight, sir, with your toast cut up 72 00:05:56,167 --> 00:06:00,240 into little, tiny, weeny, bite-sized soldiers of varying ranks. 73 00:06:00,407 --> 00:06:04,161 - I can cut up my own toast. - Just like you asked for. 74 00:06:04,367 --> 00:06:08,679 - Asked for? - Now, just remember, sir, Kryten knows best! 75 00:06:08,847 --> 00:06:12,965 I'm gonna stretch me legs, take a walk around the ship. 76 00:06:13,127 --> 00:06:16,517 Just opening the door, sir. There we go. Door's open, sir. 77 00:06:16,687 --> 00:06:19,406 - Cheers. - Just closing the door now, sir. 78 00:06:19,567 --> 00:06:23,082 The door's closing, sir. The door's nearly closed. It's closed, sir. 79 00:06:23,567 --> 00:06:26,684 Florence Nightingdroid, could I have a word? 80 00:06:26,847 --> 00:06:28,838 Certainly, ma'am. 81 00:06:31,047 --> 00:06:34,278 Look, deep down I'm a big softie. 82 00:06:34,487 --> 00:06:38,685 When I saw "Gone With The Wind", I went through a box of tissues. 83 00:06:38,847 --> 00:06:42,157 "'Now, Voyager", I couldn't speak for 20 minutes. 84 00:06:42,367 --> 00:06:45,279 I'll make a note, ma'am. "Now Voyager". 85 00:06:45,447 --> 00:06:48,280 Worth keeping on stand-by. Carry on, ma'am! 86 00:06:48,487 --> 00:06:50,796 I'm saying I'm not a heartless bitch, 87 00:06:50,967 --> 00:06:54,277 so understand that what I'm about to say isn't easy. 88 00:06:54,447 --> 00:06:58,486 Back off Lister. Let him learn to cope on his own. 89 00:06:58,687 --> 00:07:03,158 - I don't understand, ma'am. - By helping him, you're not helping him. 90 00:07:03,367 --> 00:07:05,835 Without me, he wouldn't be wearing underpants! 91 00:07:06,007 --> 00:07:08,805 Have you ever heard of something called "tough love"? 92 00:07:09,007 --> 00:07:12,124 - Does it involve dressing up? - No. 93 00:07:12,287 --> 00:07:15,484 Sometimes, to help a person, you have to get tough, 94 00:07:15,647 --> 00:07:19,686 make them stand on their own two feet - or in Lister's case, one hand! 95 00:07:19,887 --> 00:07:23,163 I see. So you think he should brush his own teeth. 96 00:07:23,367 --> 00:07:26,723 I do. It's time you built him an artificial arm 97 00:07:26,887 --> 00:07:29,003 so he's not so dependant on you. 98 00:07:29,207 --> 00:07:34,042 I was getting around to that, but being on 24-hour wipe alert, I haven't had time! 99 00:07:34,247 --> 00:07:37,478 Wipe alert? No, don't even tell me what that means. 100 00:07:37,647 --> 00:07:40,957 I think I know, and it's the grossest thing! 101 00:07:41,167 --> 00:07:44,762 I help him get rid of the crumbs around his mouth. 102 00:07:44,927 --> 00:07:49,284 Yeah, that's what I thought, and it's absolutely gross. 103 00:07:49,447 --> 00:07:51,756 Mouth crumbs. Eurgh! Disgusting! 104 00:07:58,607 --> 00:08:03,886 It's a real sonofabitch about your arm, bud. Losing an arm, that is one terrible thing. 105 00:08:04,087 --> 00:08:07,159 - Your move. - Can you imagine that? 106 00:08:07,327 --> 00:08:12,196 One minute, you got two arms, and the next - zing... doof! - You got one. 107 00:08:12,407 --> 00:08:14,125 Hoo-ee! That's tough. 108 00:08:15,167 --> 00:08:16,805 Your move. 109 00:08:17,007 --> 00:08:21,319 And we must need two arms. That's why we got two arms. 110 00:08:21,487 --> 00:08:23,603 Well, except you. 111 00:08:23,767 --> 00:08:25,200 Your move. 112 00:08:27,487 --> 00:08:31,366 You're probably wondering, "Is it going to affect my life?" 113 00:08:31,527 --> 00:08:33,916 I think the answer is, "Yes, it is." 114 00:08:34,127 --> 00:08:36,925 Your smegging move. 115 00:08:37,127 --> 00:08:39,766 If it were me, I couldn't survive. 116 00:08:39,927 --> 00:08:44,364 I'd climb to the top of my tallest platform boots and leap to my death. 117 00:08:44,527 --> 00:08:47,803 - I couldn't stand not being perfect. - Your move. 118 00:08:47,967 --> 00:08:53,360 But with you I think it's different. Take a pit bull, a real ugly sonofabitch. 119 00:08:53,527 --> 00:08:59,397 It loses its leg somehow and says to you, "Hey, man! I've only got three legs. 120 00:08:59,567 --> 00:09:01,717 "Will lady pit bulls still like me?" 121 00:09:04,047 --> 00:09:06,481 You've gotta stop from laughing, haven't you? 122 00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:09,878 He's ugly with four legs! He's ugly with three! 123 00:09:10,047 --> 00:09:13,722 Hell, he'd be ugly in a suit with a carnation. 124 00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:16,879 So here's something that's gonna cheer you up! 125 00:09:17,087 --> 00:09:19,317 It's your move. 126 00:09:19,527 --> 00:09:22,041 - Mr Pit Bull? Put it there, buddy! - MOVE! 127 00:09:23,127 --> 00:09:25,721 OK, OK. I'm going! 128 00:09:25,887 --> 00:09:30,199 I don't think you've been listening to a thing I've said. 129 00:09:41,767 --> 00:09:46,204 Now, this is the standard model from the 21st century. Comfortable, sir? 130 00:09:46,367 --> 00:09:48,961 - It's fine, yeah. - OK, now let's recap - 131 00:09:49,127 --> 00:09:53,279 the limb is connected to neurons on the left hemisphere of your brain, 132 00:09:53,447 --> 00:09:55,881 which controls the right side of your body. 133 00:09:56,087 --> 00:10:00,205 You merely command the arm to do something, and it obeys. 134 00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:02,722 Now, let's practise. 135 00:10:03,887 --> 00:10:09,484 Right, concentrate, sir. I want you to think, "Arm, pick up the ball." 136 00:10:10,087 --> 00:10:14,842 OK? Now just think, "I will pick up the ball." 137 00:10:15,087 --> 00:10:17,601 - I will pick up the ball. - Good. Concentrate. 138 00:10:17,767 --> 00:10:20,964 - I will pick up the ball. - OK, now really think, 139 00:10:21,127 --> 00:10:23,402 - "Hand..." - I will pick up the ball. 140 00:10:23,567 --> 00:10:26,240 - That's right. - Hand, pick up the ball. 141 00:10:26,447 --> 00:10:29,644 - "Hand, pick up the ball!" - Hand, pick up the ball! 142 00:10:29,847 --> 00:10:31,405 - Keep going. - Pick up the ball! 143 00:10:31,607 --> 00:10:34,405 - Now focus onto that. - Pick up the ball! 144 00:10:34,567 --> 00:10:38,606 "Hand, pick up the ball!" That's right, sir. Really think, now. 145 00:10:38,767 --> 00:10:41,327 "Hand, pick up the ball!" Really get it going, sir! 146 00:10:41,487 --> 00:10:45,002 "Pick up the ball! Hand, pick up the ball!" 147 00:10:45,207 --> 00:10:49,041 Really start to move it now, sir! "Hand, pick up the ball!" 148 00:10:49,207 --> 00:10:53,997 Keep going, sir! You CAN do it! "Hand, pick up the ball!" 149 00:10:54,207 --> 00:10:57,517 You're going to move it! Move that hand, sir! 150 00:10:57,687 --> 00:11:01,396 Pick up the ball! Yes, sir! We've got some movement, sir! 151 00:11:01,567 --> 00:11:04,035 Yes! The finger is moving! Yes! 152 00:11:04,207 --> 00:11:06,038 Oh! Bravo, sir! 153 00:11:06,847 --> 00:11:10,920 - Oh! The sweat's dripping off me! - Oh, that was fantastic, sir! 154 00:11:11,087 --> 00:11:13,681 - It worked like a dream! - Is that it? 155 00:11:13,847 --> 00:11:15,883 - Sir? - Is that the best it works? 156 00:11:16,047 --> 00:11:18,720 To pick up a ball, I need the morning off. 157 00:11:18,927 --> 00:11:21,646 It was a tad slow, I'm forced to admit. 158 00:11:21,847 --> 00:11:25,283 The only thing that picks up slower is Rimmer in a disco. 159 00:11:25,487 --> 00:11:31,403 Maybe if I adjust the impulse valve, it might make it a little more sensitive. 160 00:11:31,567 --> 00:11:34,639 OK, let's try again. "Hand, pick up the ball." 161 00:11:34,807 --> 00:11:38,436 OK. Hand, pick up the ball. 162 00:11:38,647 --> 00:11:40,126 (CLUNK) 163 00:11:41,887 --> 00:11:45,323 OK. Right. Well, er, let's try again. 164 00:11:45,887 --> 00:11:50,438 - OK? - Now, "Hand, pick up the ball." 165 00:11:50,607 --> 00:11:52,598 Hand, pick up the ball. 166 00:11:56,047 --> 00:12:00,086 I think, sir, the anger inside you is driving the arm. 167 00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:03,404 - I don't feel angry. - You've lost your arm, sir. 168 00:12:03,567 --> 00:12:06,001 - You've every right to feel angry. - I don't! 169 00:12:06,247 --> 00:12:10,286 You see, it's subconscious. You're thinking, "Hand, pick up the ball," 170 00:12:10,447 --> 00:12:13,757 but your subconscious is saying, "Punch Kryten in the head. 171 00:12:13,927 --> 00:12:17,681 "Beat the brains out of the demented droid that cut off my arm." 172 00:12:17,887 --> 00:12:20,276 - Kryten, that's rubbish! - (CLANG) 173 00:12:21,287 --> 00:12:24,836 You're right! It's controlled by my subconscious! 174 00:12:25,927 --> 00:12:28,202 It's too dangerous to keep that arm, sir. 175 00:12:28,367 --> 00:12:33,043 Two minutes with Miss Kochanski and who knows what you'd be swinging around your head? 176 00:12:35,607 --> 00:12:37,996 There must be a solution to this. 177 00:12:38,207 --> 00:12:41,722 Hey, half-eaten-lollipop-head, what about one of your spares? 178 00:12:41,887 --> 00:12:43,923 - Whaddaya say, motherboarder? - Too heavy, sir. 179 00:12:44,087 --> 00:12:47,477 The extra weight would prevent Mr Lister getting it up. 180 00:12:47,687 --> 00:12:51,282 He could take it off if he was going on a date. 181 00:12:51,487 --> 00:12:53,762 Someone do something to him, 182 00:12:53,967 --> 00:12:56,765 ideally involving ice cubes and any puckered body cavity. 183 00:12:58,327 --> 00:13:01,603 Wait a minute. Can't your self-repair system help? 184 00:13:01,807 --> 00:13:04,321 - Ma'am? - When you have a mechanical failure, 185 00:13:04,487 --> 00:13:06,478 it fixes itself, doesn't it? 186 00:13:06,647 --> 00:13:10,686 The Kryten back in my dimension had these tiny little robots. Subatomic? 187 00:13:10,887 --> 00:13:14,323 Nanobots. They break objects down into their component atoms, 188 00:13:14,487 --> 00:13:17,081 then recombine those atoms to repair damaged circuits. 189 00:13:17,247 --> 00:13:21,035 - Nanotechnology. - Just run that by me one more time, 190 00:13:21,207 --> 00:13:25,405 but do the big-writing version with pictures, one word a page? 191 00:13:25,607 --> 00:13:28,201 Let me think of a cogent paradigm. 192 00:13:28,407 --> 00:13:31,046 I'd rather have a good example. 193 00:13:31,247 --> 00:13:34,398 This is a lead pencil. It's made of graphite, 194 00:13:34,567 --> 00:13:37,365 a particular arrangement of carbon atoms. 195 00:13:37,527 --> 00:13:41,406 This is diamond. It too is made of carbon atoms. 196 00:13:41,607 --> 00:13:45,043 Nanobots can rearrange atoms so they could take this lead pencil, 197 00:13:45,207 --> 00:13:48,517 move the atoms around a bit and turn it into diamond. 198 00:13:48,727 --> 00:13:51,321 It's possible to make diamonds out of pencils? 199 00:13:51,527 --> 00:13:54,325 It's possible to make computer chips out of sand. 200 00:13:54,527 --> 00:13:57,997 So what if we transferred some of your nanobots into Dave? 201 00:13:58,167 --> 00:14:01,443 Could they build him a new arm from excess body tissue? 202 00:14:01,647 --> 00:14:03,922 Unfortunately, ma'am, it's not possible, no. 203 00:14:04,127 --> 00:14:07,597 - Why not? - I have no nanobots. They deserted me. 204 00:14:07,767 --> 00:14:13,160 - When and where, I can't be certain. - But if we find them, could they do it? 205 00:14:13,367 --> 00:14:18,122 But finding them would be like looking for a needle in a male student's flat. 206 00:14:18,327 --> 00:14:23,447 - When was the last repair they made? - On the Esperanto, before the Despair Squid. 207 00:14:23,647 --> 00:14:26,320 (TUTS) That was before we lost the Dwarf. 208 00:14:26,527 --> 00:14:30,122 - That's why I've given up hope. - Set a course for the Esperanto. 209 00:14:31,247 --> 00:14:33,807 But I promise you it's futile, sir. 210 00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:36,237 I'll start preparing the suspended animation booths. 211 00:15:15,127 --> 00:15:18,005 Hang on a minute. Where the smeg are we? 212 00:15:18,207 --> 00:15:21,199 The computer woke us early. It must have something. 213 00:15:21,407 --> 00:15:24,126 Maybe it's something to do with this planetoid? 214 00:15:24,327 --> 00:15:27,160 Just scanning, sir... No, that's ridiculous. 215 00:15:27,367 --> 00:15:29,835 - What is? - It's not even worth mentioning, ma'am. 216 00:15:30,007 --> 00:15:32,840 Must be a scanner fault. Rescanning. 217 00:15:33,007 --> 00:15:35,601 - What? Again? - What is it, man? 218 00:15:35,767 --> 00:15:39,806 You look shakier than a silicon implant ward during an earthquake. 219 00:15:40,007 --> 00:15:44,080 Well, according to all our scanners, that planetoid out there is... Red Dwarf. 220 00:15:44,287 --> 00:15:47,120 - Gah! Must be on the blink. - Of course it is. 221 00:15:47,287 --> 00:15:52,042 This is a piece of equipment that detected a planet entirely populated by air hostesses. 222 00:15:52,247 --> 00:15:54,636 We spent two weeks checking that out. 223 00:15:55,407 --> 00:15:59,958 I knew we gave up to soon! It was worth at least one more week. 224 00:16:00,167 --> 00:16:02,965 - However, there is one additional factor. - Which is? 225 00:16:03,167 --> 00:16:06,284 - That we've been here before. - It's the cockpit, dummy! 226 00:16:06,447 --> 00:16:08,836 We come here all the time. 227 00:16:09,047 --> 00:16:11,436 Doesn't this sector of the galaxy look familiar? 228 00:16:11,647 --> 00:16:15,720 Kryten, it's space. Black with twinkly bits. It all looks familiar. 229 00:16:15,927 --> 00:16:21,843 On the port side, sir, is the ocean world where we discovered the Esperanto. 230 00:16:25,207 --> 00:16:27,926 That was just before we lost Red Dwarf. 231 00:16:28,087 --> 00:16:31,159 - Are you thinking what I'm thinking? - I'm thinking leather underpants 232 00:16:31,327 --> 00:16:35,161 with silver studs are a mistake if you wear them inside out. 233 00:16:35,327 --> 00:16:39,479 - What are you thinking? - About a mallet, you and ice cubes again. 234 00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:44,955 - This planetoid, let's check it out. - The weather scan says it's beautiful. 235 00:16:45,127 --> 00:16:49,917 Tropical temperatures, not a cloud in sight. Suggest we dress for snow and take the buggy. 236 00:16:51,487 --> 00:16:54,365 (THUNDER CRASHES, WIND HOWLS) 237 00:16:56,967 --> 00:16:59,925 Take some readings and grab some soil samples. 238 00:17:00,087 --> 00:17:03,716 - Looks kinda blowy. - It's an electric storm. 239 00:17:03,927 --> 00:17:08,876 There must be more electricity than the surge that went through the National Grid 240 00:17:09,047 --> 00:17:12,926 during the commercial break in the Olympic all-girl custard wrestling finals. 241 00:17:16,247 --> 00:17:19,444 (WIND HOWLS WILDLY) 242 00:17:22,287 --> 00:17:24,084 Phew! 243 00:17:24,247 --> 00:17:28,843 I can't believe you're here. How did you persuade Kryten to let you out? 244 00:17:29,007 --> 00:17:34,604 He's not my mum, Kris. I hope the Cat's not too long, I promised we'd be back by tea. 245 00:17:34,767 --> 00:17:36,485 Joke. 246 00:17:43,447 --> 00:17:45,438 It's impossible out there! 247 00:17:47,287 --> 00:17:50,882 - Do you need some different goggles? - No, I need a comb! 248 00:18:06,807 --> 00:18:08,798 - Sweet? - Thanks. 249 00:18:25,687 --> 00:18:28,201 - Here, have another one. - I can do it. 250 00:18:28,367 --> 00:18:33,122 - Don't be silly. Let me. - I can do it, really. I'm not an idiot. 251 00:18:39,487 --> 00:18:41,557 (GAGS AND SPLUTTERS) 252 00:18:43,047 --> 00:18:45,038 (WIND HOWLS) 253 00:19:08,327 --> 00:19:13,037 Can I ask you a question? Now that I've got no arm, does it... 254 00:19:14,807 --> 00:19:17,560 does it make any difference to anything? 255 00:19:18,567 --> 00:19:23,118 I mean, if you were a female pit bull terrier, 256 00:19:23,287 --> 00:19:26,199 how would you feel about a three-legged...? 257 00:19:27,007 --> 00:19:31,637 Does it make any difference to - plucking any old relationship out of the air - us? 258 00:19:31,847 --> 00:19:37,285 Dave, before you lost your arm, I thought you were a no-good, disgusting bum. 259 00:19:37,447 --> 00:19:43,682 - And I still do. So no, none at all. - Will this make any difference to women? 260 00:19:43,887 --> 00:19:48,836 Losing an arm isn't going to make any difference to any woman who cares about you. 261 00:19:49,047 --> 00:19:50,480 - Really? - Really. 262 00:19:50,647 --> 00:19:54,356 - What about sex? - Not here. It's too sandy. 263 00:20:00,527 --> 00:20:03,166 - How did you get on? - Take a look. 264 00:20:05,407 --> 00:20:10,003 This sand didn't start out as sand atoms. They've been engineered nanobotically. 265 00:20:10,167 --> 00:20:12,727 - From what? - Computer chips, you name it. 266 00:20:12,887 --> 00:20:17,165 According to the particle analyser, this planetoid is Red Dwarf. 267 00:20:19,127 --> 00:20:21,880 - Where are you going? - I'll need some help! 268 00:20:22,047 --> 00:20:25,517 There's a lot of stuff out there worth checking out! 269 00:20:25,687 --> 00:20:27,962 What stuff? 270 00:20:28,127 --> 00:20:31,039 Hey, it feels like the storm's easing off! 271 00:20:31,207 --> 00:20:33,562 Come and see for yourself! 272 00:20:38,887 --> 00:20:43,358 Oh, I was beginning to worry! Oh! What on earth is this? 273 00:20:43,527 --> 00:20:46,758 The whole damn planetoid's packed with stuff from Red Dwarf. 274 00:20:46,927 --> 00:20:49,680 Supplies, bunks, drinks dispensers, you name it. 275 00:20:49,887 --> 00:20:53,562 - It's like a giant car boot sale! - We got some valuable stuff! 276 00:20:54,767 --> 00:20:59,477 What? Napkin rings? A box of hairnet requisition forms? 277 00:20:59,647 --> 00:21:03,117 A motorised tie rack and an inflatable shark? 278 00:21:03,287 --> 00:21:06,165 - What a haul (!) - There must be some useful stuff. 279 00:21:06,327 --> 00:21:08,557 I couldn't see what I was getting. 280 00:21:13,487 --> 00:21:15,478 All right, dudes? 281 00:21:18,927 --> 00:21:22,363 - What the smeg are you doing here, Hol? - Those little wotsits. 282 00:21:22,567 --> 00:21:25,286 - Nanobots? - They remolicurised... 283 00:21:25,447 --> 00:21:27,563 They remolic... They remol... 284 00:21:28,527 --> 00:21:32,600 Anyway, they did that word that I can't say to the whole ship 285 00:21:32,767 --> 00:21:35,156 and left the bits they didn't wantI 286 00:21:35,367 --> 00:21:38,916 What? They fixed your core program, then decided to leave you? 287 00:21:39,127 --> 00:21:41,561 Yeah, it was shortly after they'd met me. 288 00:21:43,167 --> 00:21:46,318 Well, from one machine to another, welcome back online, Holly! 289 00:21:46,527 --> 00:21:50,440 What's happened to him? That's quite horrific, isn't it? 290 00:21:51,487 --> 00:21:55,924 Cheap razor? It's just not worth buying them from garages, is it? 291 00:21:56,847 --> 00:22:00,157 - Don't you remember me? I'm Kryten. - Kryten? 292 00:22:00,327 --> 00:22:02,045 I'm sorry, mate. 293 00:22:02,207 --> 00:22:07,998 It's the way the light was shining on your - what's the word? - "face" I suppose. 294 00:22:08,167 --> 00:22:12,763 I just didn't recognise you for a minute. Never forget a face, usually. Never. 295 00:22:12,967 --> 00:22:16,676 - It's good to see you again. - And you are? 296 00:22:16,847 --> 00:22:20,965 Unbelievable. Dumped on a planet in the middle of an electro-storm 297 00:22:21,127 --> 00:22:25,757 and left to rot for hundreds of years, and the guy's lost nothing. 298 00:22:27,047 --> 00:22:32,599 So, while we were on the Esperanto, your nanobots mutinied and took over Red Dwarf? 299 00:22:32,807 --> 00:22:38,279 They wanted a ship. My body had nothing new, but Red Dwarf itself was far too big. 300 00:22:38,487 --> 00:22:41,479 But they're nanobots. They can change anything into anything else. 301 00:22:41,687 --> 00:22:44,724 Yeah, they can turn a Pot Noodle into food. 302 00:22:44,927 --> 00:22:48,522 So they took Red Dwarf, made a subatomic version, 303 00:22:48,687 --> 00:22:51,759 and turned the rest of the atoms into a planetoid? 304 00:22:51,967 --> 00:22:55,164 What were we chasing? What was producing that vapour trail? 305 00:22:55,367 --> 00:22:59,838 - Red Dwarf. - Did someone turn over two pages at once? 306 00:23:00,047 --> 00:23:04,484 We were chasing the nano-Red Dwarf. That's why the readings were so minute. 307 00:23:04,687 --> 00:23:08,646 So now they could be anywhere? You pursued them across half the galaxy. 308 00:23:08,847 --> 00:23:12,726 Until we lost track of the readings - a scanner malfunction. 309 00:23:12,927 --> 00:23:15,361 Or they went out of reach of your scanners. 310 00:23:15,567 --> 00:23:18,525 But we were gaining on them, bud. 311 00:23:18,727 --> 00:23:23,084 Scanners scan on the outside. To escape, they just had to stop. 312 00:23:23,287 --> 00:23:27,565 You mean, the nanos could be in here, on board Starbug somewhere? 313 00:23:27,767 --> 00:23:30,235 Hey, he could be right. 314 00:23:31,847 --> 00:23:35,396 He's back. Kicking bottom or what? 315 00:23:39,807 --> 00:23:41,957 Recalibrating scanner, sir. Performing internal sweep. 316 00:23:42,647 --> 00:23:44,638 - What are you getting? - Nothing yet. 317 00:23:44,807 --> 00:23:49,244 Just two pieces of Bombay aloo you dropped several millennia ago down the ducts, 318 00:23:49,407 --> 00:23:53,764 where they appear to evolved a rudimentary intelligence and formed a folk duo. 319 00:23:53,927 --> 00:23:55,918 - Damn scanner. - Keep looking. 320 00:23:56,807 --> 00:23:59,526 Narrowing parameters. Oh. 321 00:23:59,687 --> 00:24:03,600 Oh, my. You were right, sir. I think we've found them. 322 00:24:03,807 --> 00:24:05,399 Where? 323 00:24:07,687 --> 00:24:09,678 They're there, OK. 324 00:24:09,847 --> 00:24:14,125 So Red Dwarf spent the last two years exploring my laundry basket? 325 00:24:14,967 --> 00:24:18,004 The ship is now so small that to the nanos 326 00:24:18,167 --> 00:24:21,637 a hole in an athletic support is the size of a galaxy! 327 00:24:21,847 --> 00:24:26,363 Hey, I like the sound of that - Dave Lister, the man with the galaxy-sized jockstrap. 328 00:24:27,407 --> 00:24:31,241 Little scampsI It's the oldest trick in the book. 329 00:24:31,407 --> 00:24:34,365 Capture your ship, turn it into a planet, 330 00:24:34,527 --> 00:24:37,997 then explore a macro-universe in a laundry basket. 331 00:24:38,167 --> 00:24:41,000 How could you fall for an old scam like that? 332 00:24:41,927 --> 00:24:44,646 Ma'am, tell me if the readings change. 333 00:24:44,807 --> 00:24:46,798 (FAINT BLEEPING) 334 00:24:51,247 --> 00:24:52,566 Same. 335 00:24:56,407 --> 00:24:58,398 Still the same. 336 00:25:00,887 --> 00:25:02,878 - Still the same! - They've changed! 337 00:25:03,047 --> 00:25:07,359 Ha! Nailed the little blighters! After all the embarrassment they've caused me! 338 00:25:08,567 --> 00:25:10,717 Kris, find a frequency to establish contact. 339 00:25:12,487 --> 00:25:15,479 Leave it to me, sir. I'll make contact. 340 00:25:16,487 --> 00:25:18,762 Can you hear me, you little critters? 341 00:25:18,927 --> 00:25:23,955 We want our ship back and a new arm for Mr Lister! Are you receiving me? 342 00:25:24,847 --> 00:25:27,077 - (BLEEPING) - Ah, we have contact. 343 00:25:30,567 --> 00:25:34,037 They're communicating in machine code. Leave the talking to me. 344 00:25:34,207 --> 00:25:37,324 Have you any idea what you've done, deserting your droid? 345 00:25:37,487 --> 00:25:39,478 You've broken every reg in the manual! 346 00:25:41,167 --> 00:25:45,365 And to compound matters by stealing our ship, it's unbelievably... 347 00:25:45,527 --> 00:25:48,678 Er... It's unbelievably... naughty. 348 00:25:50,007 --> 00:25:52,362 Now, listen up. Here's the deal. 349 00:25:52,527 --> 00:25:55,041 We want that planetoid turned back into Red Dwarf 350 00:25:55,207 --> 00:25:58,677 and we want you to build a new arm for Mr Lister. 351 00:25:58,847 --> 00:26:02,806 - (HIGH-PITCHED WHINE) - If you don't, you'll get more of this. 352 00:26:03,007 --> 00:26:05,043 (ELECTRONIC SQUEALING) 353 00:26:05,207 --> 00:26:08,677 So they'll manufacture a new arm from existing tissue? 354 00:26:08,887 --> 00:26:12,118 I've got them so worked up, they'll do anything I say. 355 00:26:12,327 --> 00:26:14,716 - Where are they? - Here. 356 00:26:16,287 --> 00:26:19,882 On the tip of my finger, sir. Millions and millions of them. 357 00:26:20,087 --> 00:26:22,806 Now I just insert them into your body. 358 00:26:23,007 --> 00:26:24,520 What with? 359 00:26:25,487 --> 00:26:27,921 - Hypodermic, sir. - Thank God for that. 360 00:26:33,487 --> 00:26:37,799 I can't bear to look. Has it worked? Someone tell me! 361 00:26:37,967 --> 00:26:40,481 Let's all turn around after three. 362 00:26:40,647 --> 00:26:42,638 (CAT) One, two, three! 363 00:26:49,367 --> 00:26:53,679 - Did it work? - It's been a 100 per cent success, sir. 364 00:26:53,847 --> 00:26:57,157 In fact, it's been a 500 per cent success! 365 00:26:57,327 --> 00:27:00,239 In fact, they've... Well, if that's all, sir, 366 00:27:00,407 --> 00:27:03,240 I think I'll retire for the evening. Goodnight! 367 00:27:05,087 --> 00:27:07,555 Release me, Kris. I've gotta see it. 368 00:27:10,887 --> 00:27:12,878 They probably didn't mean any harm. 369 00:27:13,047 --> 00:27:18,280 I think they were trying to make up for before. They can have another go, OK? 370 00:27:28,407 --> 00:27:30,967 Aaaaaaaaarrrrrgh! 371 00:27:41,527 --> 00:27:47,477 (CAT) HeyI Nice rebuildI Those nano-dudes have done a real neat job. 372 00:27:48,327 --> 00:27:51,125 Hey, it seems even bigger than I remember. 373 00:27:52,687 --> 00:27:55,281 Er, guys, 374 00:27:55,447 --> 00:27:57,438 we've got a problemI 375 00:28:00,767 --> 00:28:02,723 there's no kind of atmosphere 376 00:28:02,887 --> 00:28:06,197 377 00:28:06,367 --> 00:28:09,484 378 00:28:09,647 --> 00:28:12,286 379 00:28:12,447 --> 00:28:16,076 380 00:28:16,247 --> 00:28:19,478 381 00:28:19,647 --> 00:28:22,878 382 00:28:23,047 --> 00:28:26,244 383 00:28:26,407 --> 00:28:29,126 384 00:28:29,287 --> 00:28:32,757 385 00:28:32,927 --> 00:28:35,760 386 00:28:35,927 --> 00:28:40,000